Apoocalypse Now

Those who have never read “Everybody Poops”, stubbornly deny the existence of their bowels, or are merely embarrassed by the noises smells, and excretions their bodies make may want to consider skipping this jolly little post and perhaps avoid Southeast Asia altogether. My purpose here is simply to quickly remark on the preponderance, absence, and many faces of poo. At least one of you out there with the initials JC (there are a few of you) will undoubtedly be thrilled by this poopy little section of the blog while others will run and hide in embarrassment, but this region of the world has a way of making one acutely aware of your digestive system and its many moods. Without too many personal grisly details (Laura pleaded with me not to go too far as some of you who know me well would probably also be frightened of), we’ve composed a list of words, some of which you’ve probably heard and some of which you might not. There is probably a list like this somewhere on the Intarwebs, but this (sadly) is our own list. Feel free to write in with new suggestions. We welcome a good laugh at the expense of our pitiful poopers.

The Many Faces of Poo

Apoorition – A shocking and sometimes very relieving release of gas with no substance or movement.

Pooltergeist – You swear you pooed but there’s no evidence to be found in the bowl.

Pooplexed (Thank you Papa Carr) -- The lingering confusion resulting from the onset of a Pooltergeist.

Pooget – Tiny, useless, frustratingly insignificant lump of poo. Usual travels alone but sometimes in small groups.

(NEW!) Poogar (Thank you James) -- A particularly malodorous effort.

Poonana – Nearly perfect excretion. Long and majestically bowel clearing with a slight curve sometimes helping it bend into the exit tube so as to be unsure of the actual size.

Poosage – Much like a poonana except often thicker and harder and with no curve.

Poocumber -- Much like a poonana, but with a harder skin and covered in speedbumps.

(NEW!) Poocupine -- An unfortunate event that sents a poo bursting with sharp points that can cause serious discomfort.

(NEW!) Poomerang (Thank you James) -- The frustratingly annoying poo that comes half way out only to stop and fly right back into your lower intestine.

(NEW!) Peek-a-Poo -- A smaller version of the poomerang that eventually emerges as an especially disappointing pooget.

(NEW!) Pootella (Thank you Jacko) -- The viscous nightmarish substance that squeezes out like toothpaste from a tube and could be spread on toast, should one wish to never talk to anyone ever again.

Rocket Poopelled Grenade (RPG) – A grenade shaped piece of poo that is forced out at the speed of sound, rattling windows and creating a mighty *bloop* sound in the toilet causing your bum to be showered by water shrapnel.

Poont (Thank you Beth) -- The serendipitous event of kicking poo mid-air as it drops from your 18 month olds' behind and then (not a requirement) hearing it splat into the wall at high velocity and slide down.

Pootroglyph -- Ancient brown pictures and symbols left on the bottom of a toilet uncovered by unwitting future bathroom adventurers.

Poonal (only added because we can't get the stench out of our minds) -- The river of excremental water found along the shotcut to Kata beach around Club Med on Phuket.

Apoohensive (Thank you Mike) -- The feeling you get when you suddenly have to poo in the middle of an activity or especially a party at someone else's house.

Poonic (Thank you Papa Adams) -- The stage following apoohension usually signified by the onset of a burning lower intestine.

Apoology (Thank you Mike) -- What you issue to the unfortunate person who enters the bathroom immediately after you left it in a condition that badly violates the Clean Air Act. Usually uttered shallowly after the apoohension and then poonic you were feeling earlier runs its course.

(NEW!) Poopourri (Thank you Jacko) -- The distinct smell created through the mixture of gas and air freshener.

Assplosion – Most often seem accompanying a poocano but can be solitary with plenty of bowllateral damage.

Poocano – An assplosion of more solid chunks followed by one or more rushes of hot and spicy liquid magma.

Poonami – A torrent of water deadly to all in its unforgiving path.

Pooreka! – The sudden and wonderful release of several pounds after several days of no movement.

Sign of the Apoocalypse – The sudden and horrific release of several pounds after several days of no movement.

The Apoocalypse – The continued occurance of assplosions, poocanos, and poonamis signaling that the end times are upon you.

Apoothecary (Thank you Mama Adams) -- The place where you buy products like imodium, milk of magnesia, Pepto-Bismol, etc. to reduce the onslaught of the Apoocalypse.

The Perfect Poo – Often discussed in revered whispers by poo experts, the Perfect Poo is massive, bowel clearing and shaped like either a pooonana or poosage. The defining aspect is the need for only one square of toilet paper hence the oft used term “The One Wiper”.